Lindsay Lohan and War Crimes

It’s always a sound move to start off the school year by snatching a line out of the Walt Whitman handbook

: “Judging from the main portions of the history of the world, so far, justice is always in jeopardy.”

Even over recent years, civil society has had to put up with every kind of fraud, criminal, and butcher imaginable, all the while watching their offenses go unmitigated and unpunished. Of course, none of this was unusual, just staggeringly frustrating. 

This year alone, we’ve had to tolerate CNN bulletins of material-maiden Naomi Campbell lying about accepting blood diamonds from the child-soldier-hoarding dictator Charles Taylor. The forces of ethnic bloodshed once again visited the people of southern Kyrgyzstan. The Pope is most likely going to get a “head of state” free pass for his complicity in child-rape cover-ups. And the whole world got to  discover that Miley Cyrus is set to star in a movie laughably titled LOL: Laughing Out Loud, in which her character sexually degenerates and inhales locoweed. 

And the American people have lived to see the employment of book editors who paid George W. Bush to write his own memoirs full of questionable politics and even more questionable prose. The very thought of the syntactical miscalculation of such a tome is enough to make a mollusk gag. 

But this past summer, things seemed like they might be taking a turn for the rule of law and decency on the domestic and international stage. Even if it was nothing more than an easily reversible inch toward justice, it hopefully constitutes a giddy trend of improvement.

The reviled Khmer Rouge “prison” chief Kaing Guek Eav was sentenced for crimes against humanity, Charles Taylor is still on trial, and Lindsay Lohan spent some time behind bars for the crime of being Lindsay Lohan. And just last weekend, Paris Hilton got nicked for attempting to chemically deviate her septum in Vegas.

It is an incredible pleasure to know that we as a race are just now starting to put the right people in prison. If we could only round up all the violent Maoists in India and detain Alison Mosshart and Jack White for forming The Dead Weather, we’d be set as an evolved species.